The Foot Whisperer

My feet have been through more than I ever would have imagined.

Read on below.

Today I visited my orthopedic therapist—my personal foot whisperer. If you’ve ever had to deal with plantar fasciitis, you know how painful it can be. And getting a deep tissue foot massage is like heaven (if you’re a sadomasochist). If you’re lucky you’ll find a great therapist who works down into the very fibers of your being through the soles of your feet. Pleasure spiked with pain!

Tonight she went a little above and beyond the usual treatment and she did some bonus energy work on me.

What is energy work? I don’t really know, but I guess my energy needed a workout. My energy seems like it’s pretty lazy. No one’s ever walked up to me and told me my energy was really vibrant and active. Apparently my energy’s not very energetic—more like a mellow sloth’s energy, I guess; like the Laughing Buddha’s energy is how I picture it.

So I just relax say ‘Knock yourself out.’ She clasped her hands together and looked like I’d just given her the greatest present ever. She got down to work and used her hands to slowly float above my body, apparently using them as energy sensors. She worked her way down the table and may have whispered a bit to my feet while she was down there. I heard her mumble some discovery-type sounds: “hmm!” “interesting!” She sounded like an archaeologist discovering some ancient civilization. I have to say, my interest was starting to peak as well. When I came to my foot appointment, I had no idea there would also be some fortune telling thrown in. What would I learn?

Spoiler alert: stuff started to get bizarre.

Here’s how it went down. She pauses the energy work. She says in a past life I was a slave rowing a ship and chained to the bench for long periods of time, both ankles and knees. She asks if that makes any sense to me. She continues working.

Wait, what? If I’m hearing her right, she just said she could see me in a previous life. And did she also mention something about being a slave on a slave ship? No, can’t say that makes much sense. But maybe I’m just a little too close-minded. I’ve heard from a hypnotist that it only works if you’re open to it. I try to lighten up a bit.

It seems that I’m getting like a kind of palm reading, but it’s through the soles of my feet instead of my hands. Does that really work? Who am I to say—I’m just as impressed with the presentation as I am with the treatment. Still, I can’t help it. I don’t want to break her trance, but I’ve got to ask her if she’s doing what she says she’s doing.

‘Yes,” she says, “the body’s cells are all awareness. Your legs told me they were in a lot of pain in that previous life. But they’re saying that they’re OK now.”

-Are you sure?

“They still have residual pain from the bands you wore. This has worked its way down to your feet.”

-That doesn’t sound good.

(OK, I’m getting freaked out, man! Oh wait, I think she can read my thoughts. Stop thinking things, dude!…and quit calling yourself dude.)

“Where are you going?”

-Wow, look at the time! Sorry, I gotta run, thanks again!

…finishing up writing this back home…

Whew, that was intense! I mean, I was kind of expecting a little bit of a mind trip based on my previous treatments with her, but I’m still feeling a little surreal. In my first visit to her home a few months ago, she introduced the idea that she actually talks to my feet. I said ‘that’s cool with me. Just let me know if they start talkin’ shit about me, like I neglect them or something.’ (I know once in a while I neglect trimming the ol’ toenails until my wife complains of puncture wounds in bed, but overall I think I’m a pretty good foot-tender). So, she asked them (my feet) if I take care of them. They said yes! Whew, glad about that. I don’t want some foot revolt or something.

I wonder, what else might my feet say? “Yes, we think we smell as bad as you think we do!” “We’re sick of all this toe cheese-how about some muenster or something.” “A little lotion every once in a while would be kind of nice on these heels.” Anyway, that was my first visit. Subsequent visits had each gotten a little weirder. Nothing too freaky or anything. Just subtle hints that something was a bit…odd. So today shouldn’t have been too much more of a stretch, right? I don’t know, maybe I ride this out for a few more months and turn it into a web series. It’s freaky, but fascinating.

Holler back if you’ve ever experienced something like this before.

#quasiscience #footwhisperer